FatCamo

hey buddies i just got a few minutes but i wanted to check in on ya , sorry i aint answered anyone back or been online , i got up yesterday moring and headed out fishin at 5 am while there i got a call from my mom , said my dad was bad sick , and long story short he was took straight to sergury , massive heart attack , 3 atreries with 95 % blockage they fixed the one that caused him to have the attack and gonna fix the other 2 after he heals from this sergury , and the sergurn told my sister that he would still have to have open heart sergury .  i was at the hospital intill 1 this morning and gettin ready to go back . i got to see my brother ! and my sisters ( witch lead me to getting traded out of my couch bag ) GRR why does it take somthing tragic b4 u get to see ur family ?

anyways in in such a hurry but im still doing good THANK GOD FOR SUBWAY

hope ur all doing fine .

well guys , i really dont think that yesterday went so good .  i done good tracking my breakfast and a snack , well then i was away from home all day , i didnt know exactly what i ate and i thought i would sit down this morning and really try and figure out how many calories i ate yesterday . well this morning im thinkin skip it , ill just count it as a learning day since i cant get it back anyways ill just focus on today and try and plan for tomorrow . 

i dont know what went on but something just clicked inside of me …… people would comment on how the low carb thing wasnt the best way to go and my first reaction would be yeah well its the only thing that works for me ……………… i would think to myself that losin 1 or 2 pounds in a week would only make me quit and i wouldnt stay motivated .

and then it hit me (i dont know why but it did) hmm lets see here ……… i can lose 7  pounds in a week and gain it right back just as quick as i eat some carbs  and only get where i was to start with ……………….or……………………. i can lose 1 pound this week and keep it off …………hmm easy choice huh………………….. 1 pound a week over time equals this weight gone the right way and gone for good ……………or…………………. 9 pounds a week equals i can never enjoy food and NEVER stick to it but ALWAYS gain it back ?

hmm………….I’LL TAKE THE LONG ROAD ! yeah it may take longer but i will get there and ill be healthier during the process .

guess what guys ? during my low carb diet i was ALWAYS tired ALWAYS weak i just didnt feel like i had the strenght to do anything …. and today i feel good ! i dont feel weak and worndown . that alone means alot  !

well heres the kicker …………………. i weigh 202 this morning …………YUP A 2 POUND GAIN !

BUT u know what i dont feel bad about it at all ! NOPE I DONT not even a tiny little bit ! i know that when im not eating carbs that i gain weight eatin one normal meal …… so im NOT gonna stress out over gainin 2 pounds , im just tryin to look at it as my body will have to adjust to eating carbs and the low calorie thing will kick in soon . I REFUSE TO BEAT MYSELF UP OVER THIS !!!

here are a few things that i have planned to make my journy easier :

*** ALWAYS ALWAYS HAVE HEALTHY SNACKS HANDY

*** KEEP TRACK OF ALL THINGS I EAT AND DRINK

*** GET A POCKET SIZE NOTEBOOK FOR MY PURSE AND TRUCK SO ILL ALWAYS HAVE AWAY TO KEEP TRACK WHEN IM AWAY FROM HOME

*** COMMET TO EXERCISE ATLEAST 3 DAYS A WEEK

*** DRINK AT THE LEAST 8 GLASS’S OF WATER PER DAY

and i really gotta figure out what im allowed or suppost to eat , the first things that come to my mind are fruits and veggys ( man i miss grapefruit i luv luv luv it ) but im not sure on what kind of meat , i really need to learn how to put together a full meal for my family thats healthy . im thinkin i have to bake meat instead of anything fried . i really still do need help on what to eat and how to cook it !

for breakfast today :

2 cups of Special K Cereal

1/2 Cup 2 % low fat milk 

for a total of 357 calories this morning for breakfast

my plan is to eat 1200 calories a day .

my goal for today :  spend atleast a hour and a half at the grocery store readin labels to figure out what to buy because i do not want anything arround that i cant have !

so im leaving you this morning with a new start : current weight 202 pounds . i do not plan on weighin myself intill may 2nd .  i dont wanna weigh in a week because on atkins it wasnt nuttin to lose 7 pounds and im scared if i see a 1 pound loss or even a gain ill freak . so i will report my progress in one month . and then maybe ill check the scale every week after that .

i wish u all a great day

okay guys as u know im doing low carbs , today i woke up with nothing to eat that was low carbs , i didnt wanna do to the store last night since the biggest loser was on , , , , witch left me with nothing that i was allowed to eat for breakfast ……………….for the last 2 weeks i have been thinkin serious about doing low calorie …….. (ive been sick and my husband is convinced its my diet)

well the thing is , since the low carb craze i really dont remeber what i ate when i done low cal , the first thing that comes to mind is baked potatoe with no butter but i read a blog yesterday about not eating nothing white , so here is what i need from u guys ……….

WHAT DO U EAT ? PLEASE LET ME IN ON  THE FOODS U EAT ON THE LOW CAL THING …………………..PLEASE I NEED UR HELP WITH THIS , im gonna seach online for some answers also.

my breakfast had 180 calories in it this morning , is that okay ?

also how many calories do i eat in a day ? i know u gotta eat so many or ur body goes into stavation or summin like that . i know i use to eat 800 calories a day when i done low cal b4 but now they are sayin u need summin like 1200 or 1500 i dont know lol . its been probably 12-15 years since i done low cal and things have changed since then .

please buddies any advise is greatly needed !!!

thanks guys and have a great morning

lets start off with why i didnt weigh in last thursday , , , , , , ,  i had been sick all week well,  not really sick like ikky sick just hurting ! in alot of pain mostly in my back and just felt weak all over , i lost track of what day of the week it was and missed weighing in on thurdays morning so i figured i’de skip it intill this thursday ……thinkin a no loss or a gain would put my mindset in a bad place and i dont want that !

as someone u may know my treadmill is messed up . first it wouldnt run and was stuck in a incline and had been that way for months , but the other day it just gave out and wouldnt do nuttin :>(

so this morning im reading a blog about a girl who is gonna start tomorrow …….April 1st and it hits me OMG ITS APRIL ALREADY ? no way !!!  how did this much time pass by this year ? i remembered making a calendar the day i joined buddyslim that had my goals on it and that i wouldnt give up on myself for atleast 100 days ……….. i dug it out of my desk and guess what ?? April 16th is my 100days here …………. it makes me so upset at myself  ! i mean my goal was to lose 40 pounds b4 april 16th and look at me , im still sittin here weightin basically what i started at  ………… hell i started at 206 and im only at 200 and its got me thinkin alot this morning !!!!

i mean shit man i could be at 160 by now if i had dont what i was suppost to do !!!!! or  i could be on here tellin my buddys that  ive lost 50 pounds since i joined BUT IM NOT !!!!

i know , i know we all mess up , we all make eating mistakes and slip up’s but slip ups aint gonna get us no where !!!!! it will get us right back where we started ….. ive started so many times ,. over and over the same ol shit …………………

im not im a bad mood nor am i tryin to say any of this in a negitive way ! i just want each and  everyone of you to ask yourself how far have u come ? how far would you have been ?

since coming here i have lost and gained , lost and gained , failed and re-started , failed and re-started ………… by my calulations i should be at 163 by the 16th of april ………….. umm aint gonna happen !

u know what sucks …………. i made the same calendar thurdays b4 last ( when i restarted ) of where i would be by August ……….

u know what the good thing is ? i can see where i messed up b4 , i can see what ive done wrong . i know what i gotta do !

i make excuses about everything , like i dont have time , or im sick ill just lay arround . but i know they are excuses and i cant do that anymore . i am the only one who is keeping me from doing what needs to be done !!!!

i just dont wanna see someone join and be where i am at today . to wake up and think omg its been 4 months and im still where i was . maybe u can read my old blogs and see what i went thru or see where i messed up at so u dont make the same mistakes as me ! i want the best for all of u and i want it for me too !

ask yourself what am i doing to reach my goal ? what more can i do if i quit makin excuses ? do i really wanna spend all my money on certain foods and limit what i eat just to weight the same 4 months from now ? please dont let your time here pass u by !

again please dont take this in a bad way , cause i feel good and i am in a positive mood and ready to finally do it , i know i’ve said this a thousand times over and over again but i really really really have my eye on the prize this time ! (ive probably said that too lol )

This is to me : GET UR FAT ASS UP AND DO IT !!! QUIT DAYDREAMING OF UR GOAL AND MAKE YOUR GOAL A REALITY ! U CAN AND WILL DO THIS !!!

with that being said i got my water in hand and gonna workout on the Gazelle for atleast 30 minutes !

well if ur my buddy then you know that i quit for 10 days and during that time i gained 14 pounds !!! i joined buddyslim at 206 pounds and got down to 194 with the gain i weighed more than when i started YUP i got up to 209 ! so last thursday i finally got on track AGAIN today it’s time to check the scale ………………………………..

209 last thursday and DRUM ROLL PLEASE ! ………………………………..200 this thursday !

i lost 9 pounds this week , but once again im not excited about it …. i know that if i get excited , i get confortable and slip up , and i dont want that . im shocked that i lost ………….here’s why………………

i took my friend to the doctor and it was right across the street from Dairy Queen OMG well i was so tempted ……… then my boy wanted a ice cream . .. i think oh god …………………. we walk to DQ ……….. i wanted a waffle bowl sundae it looked so good !the thoughts run thru my head , what to do …. and the self negitive talk  ” you will never do this , you will never win this race “ now i know what ur thinkin , but NOPE i didnt do it , all i had was a diet pepsi ! yay i did it right ……………..

then the next day i was gone all day takin care of stuff , i left the house without breakfast ……………my 112 pound size 3 buddy ( well my husbands buddy , i have no friends lol ) had me take her to taco bell for lunch ! man oh man , why why why ……………………im diein inside emotionally with these choices ……………….. AGAIN ALL I HAD WAS A DIET PEPSI ! yay me right ?……………………………

like i told one of my buddies , even tho i didnt fail , i still had to deal with the emotional side of it ……………..

then there was last night …………………… dinner ……………. i had a ham&cheese Sub and 2 peices of Pizza …………………..:>(

im still tryin to figure out why i can manage to not eat a hot fudge sundae (i luv DQ ) and taco bell ………… how i can order a diet pepsi ………….. and overcome them temptatons ……………… then fail ! i mean where does it come from ?

how can you do good all week and then mess up the night b4 the weigh in ? u would think that doing the right thing all week would be enought to make ya NOT mess up at the right minute ,. ya know ? make ya stronger like i done it all week , i went without a sundae , i can go without pizza too ! it was like i wasnt even thinkin about it . i just done it …….

does anyone else do this same ol stupid thing ? does anyone have any advise for me ? what can i do ? why do i do this ?

i know deep down that i can reach my goal and it is possible but why do i keep myself from getting there ? sometimes i secretly think i dont wanna do it ……. cause im afraid of the attension it will bring me ……… i really dont know what the deal is ………………. needin some help this morning to understand all of this ,…………..

So when i joined buddyslim i was 206 and got down to 194

i lost 12 pounds

during my off time from buddyslim i gained my weight back plus some

i weighted myself Thursday and was 209 since then i have been back on track ! (thanks to my buddies)

im gonna weigh myself next thursday . so im 3 pounds more than when i started .

i just wanna say to those of you that quit or wanna give up or think its no use .

the choices me make REALLY do effect the outcome ! i lost 12 pounds and had slip up’s during those 12 pounds , im sure if i hadnt backslid i would of lost 20 instead of the 12 !

i realize that even when i make mistakes i cant give up and i dont want none of you to eighter , if you gotta lose 200 pounds or 30 pounds IT IS POSSIBLE !

i think last weeks the biggest loser really hit home with me ,. it was for me the best episode ever !

When the black team won the luxury get away , they was tempted and failed . but i think they all learned from it .  it really hit me in the heart , you know im sure alot of us dream about being there and wish we had a chance to be on the ranch , but the truth is they aint really doing anything there that we cant do . IF WE REALLY TRY I MEAN REALLY REALLY DO IT !

im hoping that i have learnt from my mistakes enought to overcome the things that make me wanna quit or feel like there is no hope for me .

im 3 pounds more on the scale than when i started but i wouldnt take back the experiences i have had here .

im very thankful for this site ! im glad i have to weigh in thursday ! it makes me resist eating summin that i shouldnt .

i wanna give you guys great results on thursday and I KNOW I WILL ! because of you i can do this and i can make it .

im luvin myself more and thats worth all the money in the world !

i wanna tell some of you self haters what i have been doing that has helped me , maybe it will help you feel better about yourself the way it has me !

 ive been naked alot lol . this has helped me so much ! i’ve been sleepin naked . i know it may sound like no big deal but for me its HUGE i mean i didnt want my husband to see my naked cause i hated my body but being naked has helped me to accept myself and start the journry of loving me !

 I Got me some ” more girly type ” clothes . i used to think i would buy cute clothes when i lost weight , but u know what ? i can feel cute even if the outside dont match up to what i think i look like in my mind ! and it feels good ! so buy yourself a new shirt , get dressed like ur going somewhere even if you gotta stay home and clean house ! it makes ya feel better

i gotta log out for now , i had more things to say just dont have the time .

but i feel good and cant thank you guys enought ! 

oh yeah i cant wear my size 12 jeans anymore or even the 14’s im in a tight size 16 . who knew so little pounds could make that much difference . how come i can tell it in my clothes when i gain but cant see a differnce in my body if i lose 30 pounds ? wierd . i guess im use to seing the bad .

i took a new pic a couple of days ago and i can really see the weight creeping back up on my Face and neck . oh well i’ll lose it again ! and one of these days ill have a b4 and after at 130 pounds :>P i know i will as long as i dont quit !

we all can do this !

howdy buddieslimmer’s so i thought i would maybe get back on and blog when i felt better of when i was on track again , but i missed my buddies so much , and worried about them !  so i kinda still feel the same but im tryin to kick my own ass and get in gear ,  it just aint happend yet . i still feel down and still eatin whatever i want , im not drinkin water , im not exercising . BUT i dont wanna be a QUITTER eighter . if i give up on me than whats left ? i read some of my old blogs , i ususally delete most of my blogs after a few days , but i kept the ones where i was going thru a hard time just so i could look back on them .

right now im probably still not a good dieting buddy , im trying to focus on loving myself  the way i am NOW and not dwell so much on what i think i should be .

i know i am a good woman ! i take care of everyone else . i do things most of you wouldnt do . but i still cant get it out of my head that im fat and no one could love me like this . okay here i go again with this boo hoo poor me bullshit . so im gonna log out .

just wanted you to know that im still fighting and I AM NOT A QUITTER . i just need some time to sort thru some personal stuff and figure out some things that are hurting me .

maybe after a little soul searching and alone time i can get back on track .

oh and i cant fit into size 12 jeans anymore . i had to wiggle and shake to get the stretchy size 14’s up and then took when off cause they was 2 tight . i have no clue what i weight now , im guessing arround 210 or more.

TO START THIS IS HONEST AND YOU WILL PROBABLY HATE ME IF YOU READ IT …….. AND IM SORRY …. 

I PROMISED MYSELF THAT I WOULDN’T GET BACK ON HERE AND BE THE WHINNING FOOL THAT I AM , THAT I WOUDLNT BE SO DOWN , THAT I WOULDNT CONFESS MY DOWNFALLS AND LEAVE YOU ALL THINKING HOW CRAZY I WAS ,  UMMM BUT I LIED TO MYSELF YET AGAIN ! SO HERE I GO CRAZY LADY BLOGGER .

WELL ANOTHER WEEK WENT BY THAT I WOULD SIGN INTO BUDDYSLIM AND JUST CLICK ON MY HOMEPAGE AND STARE AT IT …… I WOULD CLICK ON SOME OF MY BUDDIES PAGES AND JUST SIT THERE , WONDERING IF ANY OF THESE PEOPLE FELT LIKE ME …… JUST ONE OF YOU ……… DOES ANYONE KNOW MY PAIN ……….. DOES ANYONE DEAL WITH THIS EVERY WAKING HOUR OF THEIR LIVES ?

I’DE LOOK AT YOUR PICTURES AND WONDER WHY YOU ARE HERE ? AND THINK WHY AM I HERE ? WHEN I LOOKED AT SOME OF YOU I WOULD THINK , THEY COULDNT UNDERSTAND WITH THEIR TANK TOP ON ,  CAUSE I’VE NEVER WORN A TANK TOP . OR OH YEAH LOOK AT HER WITH HER FLAT STOMACH , SHE DONT KNOW MY PAIN , SHE CANT FEEL THE WAY I DO . SO I JUDGED YOU JUST AS MUCH AS I JUDGE MYSELF ….. AND IM SORRY !

I WANNA COME CLEAN WITH ALL MY NEGITIVE THOUGHTS AND FEARS . COME CLEAN ABOUT WHO I AM ! I AM A NEGITIVE PERSON , I AM WEAK MINDED , I AM FAT ! I JUDGE EACH AND EVERY PERSON I SEE ON THE STREETS . I LOOK AT THEM AND JUDGE THEM ALL . I THINK ITS JUST BECAUSE I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH ! I COMPARE MYSELF AND MY BODY TO EVERYONE ELSE ….

LET ME TELL YOU WHO I AM , (OR WHO I HAVE BECOME ) I AM THE PERSON THAT LETS THE FACT THAT IM FAT , HAVE STRETCH MARKS , BACK FAT AND BELLY JELLY RULE MY EVERY THOUGHT ! IT MAKES ME FEEL BAD EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE ! IT KEEPS ME FROM DOING THINGS THAT I THINK I WOULD ENJOY . IT KEEPS MY HUSBAND AND KIDS FROM DOING THINGS THAT THEY WANNA DO , LIKE GOING SWIMMING , MY HUSBAND KNOWS BETTER THAN MENTION IT ANYMORE . IM NOT GOING !!!! NO WAY !!! WATER PARKS , AMUSEMENT PARKS , TRIPS TO FLORIDA , THEY ARE ALL OUT ! I TELL MYSELF THAT I WILL LOSE WEIGHT AND THEN WE WILL GO , BUT THE TRUTH IS , I’LL NEVER BEAT THIS . I’LL NEVER DO IT !

ANOTHER TRUTH IS THAT EVEN IF I WEIGHTED 130 POUNDS I WOULDNT LOOK NORMAL IN A BATHING SUIT . I’LL STILL HAVE BACKFAT AND A BIG FLOPPY LAYER OF SKIN ON MY BELLY ……MY BEST HOPE IS THAT ILL LOOK NORMAL IN CLOTHES CAUSE I KNOW I STILL WONT LOOK GOOD NAKED !

THATS ANOTHER THING , , , , BEING NAKED , I DONT EVEN WANT MY HUSBAND TO SEE ME .

I HATE THAT MY SIZE CONTROLLS MY EVERY THOUGHT I HATE IT THAT IT KEEPS ME FROM DOING THINGS . I HATE HOW I DROWN MYSELF IN THESE PITTY PARTIES !

I DONT BUY NEW CLOTHES VERY OFTEN CAUSE I TELL MYSELF THAT ILL LOSE WEIGHT , BUT NOPE IT DONT HAPPEN . YOU KNOW WHAT DOES HAPPEN THO ? YUP YOU GUESSED IT , ANOTHER YEAR GOES BY AND IM STILL FAT ! AND I SHOULD BE A EXPERT ON THIS SINCE I STARTED DIETING AT AGE 10 AND IM NOW 31 , BUT IM NOT ,I STILL MAKE THE SOME OL MISTAKES AND I STILL BEAT MYSLEF UP OVER IT . I STILL DIET LOSE 10 POUNDS AND QUIT ! YUP I STILL DO .

YOU WOULD THINK AFTER SO LONG OF FAILING IN SOMETHING THAT SOMETHINGS GOTTA GIVE RIGHT ? WRONG !! NOT FOR ME ! IM STILL THE SAME ONLY WORSE . IM STILL FAILING … SO WHAT I LOST 12 POUNDS WOO HOO WHO CARES I GAIN IT BACK . SO WHY THE  HELL BOTHER ? HUH ? WHY ?

WHY SPEND ALL MY MONEY ON DIET PRODUCTS AND CERTAIN FOOD  JUST TO GAIN THE WEIGHT BACK ? HELL I CAN GET A DOUBLE CHEESE BURGER FOR 99 CENTS WHY SHOULD I SPEND 4 BUCKS ON A DIET SHAKE ? JUST TO NOT LOSE WEIGHT OR TO LOSE A LITTLE AND GAIN IT BACK ?

A LITTLE OF WHATS HAPPENIN ………………… OKAY WHERE DO I START ? UMM OH YEAH I KNOW WHERE , GROCERY SHOPPING . I GET UP FRIDAY AND MY HUSBAND TELLS ME THAT WE ARE GETTING SNOW AND ICE SO WE SHOULD GO TO THE STORE . OH WAIT THE DAY B4 THAT , I FELT SO SAD ALL DAY AND REALLY WANTED TO JUST VENT BUT HAD NO ONE TO TALK TO SINCE FOR SOME REASON I THINK THAT NO ONE UNDERSTAND ( GUESS I SHOULD OF BUDDYSLIMED THEN HUH ) WELL I TELL MY HUSBAND TO LETS GET OUT OF THE HOUSE FOR AWHILE , HE SAYS WHERE YA WANNA GO ? UMM ANYWHERE JUST OUT OF HERE . KNOW WHERE WE ENDED UP ? ABOUT A HOUR AWAY FROM  THE HOUSE AT …………UMM……………..WELL……… PIZZA HUT . HOW DID THAT HAPPEN ? WE HAD THIS BIG TALK DURING OUR DRIVING ARROUND ABOUT HOW I NEED TO STOP LETTING IT CONTROL MY LIFE AND ENJOY WHAT  I HAVE AND ACCEPT MYSELF FOR WHO I AM AND HOW I AM . I EXPLAINED HOW I JUST WANNA BE NORMAL AND BE A SEXY WIFE , SOMEONE HE CAN BE PROUD TO SAY IS HIS WIFE . HE CONTINUED TO TELL ME TO STOP WORRING ABOUT ALL THAT AND JUST BE HAPPY . AND THAT HE LOVES ME HOW I AM …….. BLA BLA BLA …….

 OKAY BACK TO THE GROCERY DAY …….. WE HEADED TO THE STORE WITHOUT BREAKFAST , HE SAID HE’LL SIT IN THE CAR WITH THE BOYS FOR ME TO RUN IN AND JUST GET SOME STUFF FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS . SIMPLE ENOUGHT RIGHT ? WRONG AGAIN ! OH MAN ….. I THINK I GOT EVERY SWEET THING THAT I PASSED ( AND I USUALLY DONT EAT MUCH SWEETS ) I DONT KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME . I GOT FROZEN PIZZA’S, CHIPS AND SALSA ,DONUTS , ICE CREAM SANDWICHES , REECE’S CUPS , STRAWBERRY TURNOVERS , THE MAKINGS OF TACO’S , GARLIC BREAD YUM , AND THE LIST GOING ON AND ON .

SO  IVE BEEN EATING WHAT I WANT , WHEN I WANT ……..AND IT SHOWS …………

YOU SEE THATS WHAT HAPPENS FOR ME , ITS A PATTERN , IT GOES ON AND ON !

1. I FEEL BAD ABOUT MYSELF

2. I START THINKIN THAT ABOUT HOW I CAN LOSE WEIGHT

3. I GET MOTIVATED

4. START OUT STRONG

5. I MESS UP

6. REALIZE WHAT I DID WRONG AND GET BACK UP .

7. START SLACKIN OFF

8.FEEL BAD AGAIN.

9. NOT HAVING ANY FEMALE FRIENDS TO TALK TO I CRY OUT TO MY HUSBAND

10. HE TELLS ME IM OKAY THE WAY I AM

11. I GET COMFORTABLE

12. I EAT , EAT , EAT , EAT AND EAT SOMEMORE

13 .  FEEL SAD THAT I QUIT

14. I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE AGAIN .

15. GAIN EVEN MORE WEIGHT

16.  THEN IT ALL STARTS ALL OVER AGAIN !

IVE NOTICED KINDA THE SAME PATTERN HERE ON BUDDYSLIM ……… I GET MOTIVATED , HELP PEOPLE , ENCOURAGE OTHERS , SLACK OFF , FEEL BAD . BLOG ONLY WHEN I NEED YOU . AND I DONT THINK THATS FAIR TO MY BUDDIES . I CANT JUST GET ON HERE AND STARE AT YOUR PAGE AND NOT LEAVE A MESSAGE CAUSE IM 2 SAD OR DONT HAVE NOTHING POSITIVE TO SAY ……………………………………..

SO INLESS MY MIND CHANGES , THIS IS MY LAST BLOG . I DONT WANNA GET ON HERE AND NOT HELP OTHERS AND DROWN YOU ALL OUT WITH MY NEGITIVTY AND SELF HATE .

I STARTED HERE AT 206 POUNDS AND GOT DOWN TO 194 , THE LAST TIME I WEIGHTED MYSELF I WAS 199 SO I GAINED 5 POUNDS AND I AINT EVEN WEIGHTED MYSELF SINCE I GOT ALL THE JUNK FOOD TO EAT SO I KNOW IM OVER 200 POUNDS AND PROBABLY BACK TO THE ORIGINAL 206 OR MORE …….

I KNOW SOME ONE MAYBE THINKIN THEY WISH THEY WEIGHTED  190 SOME POUNDS . BUT YOU DONT KNOW HOW THAT 190 POUNDS LOOKS AND FEELS ON ME . IM NOT ONE OF THESE WHAT I CALL SKINNY FAT GIRLS , YOU KNOW THEY TYPE KINDA BIG BUT HAS A NORMAL LOOKIN BODY , CAN STILL WEAR SLEEVELESS SHIRTS AND HAS A FLAT BELLY . NO THATS NOT ME . I HAVE 2 BELLIES LOTS OF FAT ROLLS AND STRETCH MARKS EVERYWHERE ……………….

SO IF YOU HAVE READ THIS FAR KOODO’S TO YOU FOR LISTENING TO A CRAZY LADY . IF I CHECK MY COMMENTS IM SURE ILL PROBABLY SEE ATLEAST ONE BRAVE SOUL TELL ME THAT I NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP .

I TRY I REALLY DO . SOMEHOW I JUST END UP IN THE SAME OL PLACE .

THIS TIME I MANAGED TO STICK TO IT FOR 53 DAYS AND THE END RESULT IS PROBABLY ME NEVER DIETING AGAIN . I REALLY DONT KNOW . I JUST FEEL LIKE WHY BOTHER IF I SPEND ALL MY TIME AND MONEY GETTING SOMEWHERE I HAVE ALREADY BEEN . WHY BOTHER IF I JUST MESS UP AND FEEL JUST AS BAD AS WHEN I STARTED .

HOWEVER I DO WANNA THANK YOU GUYS FOR BEIGN HERE FOR ME , AND I DO WANNA SAY IM SORRY FOR NOT BEING A GOOD BUDDY

IF YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF THATS GOOD . IM PROUD OF YOU FOR THAT . YOU HAVE SOMETHING THAT I NEVER DID . THEY SAY THE STRENGHT IS INSIDE OF YOU , BUT I JUST AINT NEVER FOUND IT . MAYBE SOMEDAY I WILL ………………………….WHO KNOWS ……………………….. FOR NOW IM DONE ……………………………

I BID THEE FAREWELL BUDDYSLIM . 

i can fit into my size 12 misses jeans again . Cool ! and they aint even tight . i remeber a time when i wore a size 22W i was 246 pounds then . well the 22 ’s was one of those lay on the bed and suck it all in just to get them zipped lol

okay .  here we go , whats going on with me ? well several days last week i was so down . i just felt so bad ! i was a emotional rollercoaster ! i was super sad and didnt really know why . time for Confession !  i quit getting on buddyslim , or if i would get on i would  just log right back out . ( i figured why bother if im not going to be any help to others cause i cant help myself , and i dont wanna be the pitty party on here ) let me get to the point . Friday night PIZZA !  Saturday Spagetthi ! Sunday Philly Chesse Steak Sandwich , Monday Fruity Pebbles Cereal ! Tuesday Rice and Brown Gravy ! did i mention im suppost to be counting carbs ?  Well i messed up bad ! I GAVE UP ! I QUIT ! JUST LIKE SO MANY TIMES BEFORE ! A FAILURE ! FORGET IT I’LL NEVER LOSE THIS WEIGHT !

friday i would tell myself okay a slip no big deal ill start tomorrow . saturday the same thing , sunday Ditto ! b4 i knew it its tuesday , Well the biggest loser wasnt on last night . they took it off for the UK basketball game :>(

SO HERE I SIT . WENSDAY ! guess what my scale said to me this morning  ? ………………….. GIRL GET YOUR FAT ASS IN GEAR ( yup thats what it said ) STOP YOUR DAMN BOO HOO , OH POOR ME . I CANT DO IT !  STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR THIS ! YOU LOST 10 POUNDS AND YOU CAN LOSE ANOTHER 10 IF YOU STICK WITH IT !

last tuesday i was 196 pounds and now i weigh 204 YUP A 8 POUND GAIN !!!

during my off days i began to miss everyone so bad ! i’de think of Donna and how her super bowl party went , i wonder how she is doing at work ? i’de wonder how marcie was doing and felt bad she didnt lose anything last week . i could imagine how her weekly TBL would have me in it as  the big fat loser who quit ! and then theirs Brett , i really wanna know about his weigh in ! Gerri who always leaves us all booster notes . Sharona who always has something positive to say ! Lisamarie who is alot like me . Teresa who is so sweet ! i began to remember each one of you , for all that you do for me and how you struggle too !

IM NOT ALONE ! other people know how it feels !

you know i have seen profiles on here and the people haven’t been logged in for a year or 2 and i would think , you know they quit ! they havent lost it yet !  ( maybe they have , but thats what it makes me think about )

GUESS WHAT , ONCE AGAIN HERE I AM ! IM NOT QUITING !!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN AND WILL DO THIS !!!!!!!!!

I MAY HAVE GAINED BACK 8 OF THE 10 POUNDS I LOST BUT SOOOOOOOOOO WHAT !!!!!! I CAN GET RIGHT BACK ON TRACK AND DO IT AGAIN !!!

I KICKED MYSELF IN THE ASS AND NOW IM READY !! IM READY TO QUIT FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF AND DO IT ! I GOTTA QUIT MAKING EXCUSES FOR WHAT I DO ! I KNOW ITS MY FAULT AND I AM ACOUNTABLE FOR IT !

i went to wally world and got me a Leg Magic (i ‘ll let ya know how it works )  this morning i had my eggs and sausage and water ! i couldnt seem to get started again after i quit  , so today is my re-start , re-start , re-start LOL .

thank u so much for being here ! i left a comment for a new member today that wanted help , i told her i couldnt be much help since i cant help myself , THAT AINT TRUE ! i would be of help to her ! cause i quit and i know there will come a time that other people will want to quit and since i’ve been there and know how it feels , maybe my experiences will help them ………………………

so im asking for help ! anyone  know the best way to get started again and stay on track ? its hard to start over , but starting over sure is alot better than quiting !!!!!

alot of rambling on , i know and im sorry !

 Today is my 31 st Birthday !!!

birthdays to me aint really no big deal , for me its just another day , but this morning i got something way better to celebrate !!!! tomorrow is my weigh in day , but just courious i wanna weigh in . even with my big mess up last Monday (gaining 3 pounds due to it ) im starting to feel like i’ve lost weight . so i jump on the dreaded scale this morning . before i step on im thinkin to myself ok 2 pounds , ok 2 pounds . then a small voice in my head said dont do it . wait intill tomorrow . if you aint loss again this week , it’ll have you in a bad mood today .

No. i can handle this even if the scale aint nice to me , i know i done what i should have and that alone is progress !

so here i stand yet again , watching the three O’s roll back and forth (keep in mind last week i was 203 )

it stops ! OMG not on 203 or 204 WOOOOO HOOOOOO OMG ****SMILES****

********JUMP UP AND DOWN******SLAP ME IM SEEING THINGS *********

~~~~WHAT ? AND ON MY BIRTHDAY HAHA~~~~

WHERE DID IT STOP ?

~~~~~~HOLY CRAP THIS THING NEEDS NEW BATTERIES ~~~~~~

*******IT CANT BE RIGHT ********

~~~~~I CANT BELIEVE IT ~~~~~

im so shocked

FAT GIRL DANCE ! IM UNDER 200 ! IM UNDER 200 !

GO KHRYS ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY !

197 BABY !!!!

YUP 197

********* 6 POUNDS IN 6 DAYS !**********

ill do the “offical” weigh in tomorrow .

ok ok i know im a bit excited but hey its been hard and i had the week were i didnt lose any weight and i done everything i was suppost to do ! this is for all of you that has been there too ! i said i know that my big number would come and it did .

when you dont lose anything or even gain a pound or two STICK WITH IT ! IT WILL PAY OFF IN THE LONG RUN !!

WE CAN DO THIS ! WE CAN STICK IT OUT WHEN WE GO THRU HARD TIMES .

i faced my breaking point ! my give up spot ! my your always gonna be fat crying spell . and stuck with it because of my diet support . thanks for your help !

hang in there when it gets hard . you never know what the next week may bring !

TODAY IS MY WIEGH IN DAY , YUP IM SUPPOST TO JUMP ON THAT DAMN SCALE THIS MORNING .

2 weeks …………….2 whole weeks i tell you !

 doing so good never slipped up didnt cheat !

OH WAIT THERE WAS LAST NIGHT !!!

man did i do it ! or shall i say OVERDOIT !!!

to start my water froze up and i have been without water , i had just got all my laundry and dish’s done and BAMB the next morning no water , pipes froze up . so being without water for umm like 4 days all my dishs was stacked up everywhere , the stove covered , the table , the counters . everywhere !  i had to go buy paper plates and plastic forks and spoons . and gallons of water . i’de boil water on the stove to wash my pots and pans in then eat out of paper plates . 

well some good news kinda , yesterday morning i woke up and YAY waters working again ! woo hoo

so im so motivated to clean my house up , witch was a total mess . and that aggravates me alot ! ive done alot of searching on how or why if my house is dirty im upset , in a bad mood and dont want people to come arround , and it leads to me bitchin at my husband about the littest thing . only thing that ever comes to my mind when i try to figure this out is , it makes me feel like im a good wife and mom if i do all the cleaning and such .  but thats not the truth ! at all ! cause it irritates me when i dont get things done . and in return i get irritated at them .  yata yata yata .

so with water back on yesterday im thinkin i can clean all day , WRONG . crap it’s the 19th i gotta travel today , ill be gone all day . shit i gotta hurry take a bath so i can go . long sorry short……………..me and my oldest son left . i grab me a Atkins Advantage Shake as i head out the door .  hmm then with my son needing breakfast . i head to the Burger King drive thru . my truck wheels in there i order his breakfast and nothing for me . YAY !!!! I DID IT !! I WENT THRU BK AND DIDNT GET MYSLEF NOTHING !!!! is whats running thru my head ! you go girl !!! haha see you can do this i told myself !

WELL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The kicker here i am taking care of business and its gettin close to time that my son ( he’s 6 ) will need lunch . we walk in this little store to get him summin to snack on till lunch time , AGAIN  i get nothing because all they had was chips , candy bars , and pops . nothing good to eat . or atleast nuttin i could have.

So , here i am been awake since 5 .am and now its 3 :30 p.m. IM STARVING ! i think my belly is trying to eat my backbone at this point ! i hadnt had ANYTHING to eat all day because  there wasnt anything avaibale for me to eat that was within my dieting plan , well here we are , headed back home , im HUNGRY ! im getting sick , so im thinkin about what resturants are in the next town up . hmm pizza hut , mc donalds , raks , i call my husband , im headed home but im starving , what have u ate today ? , he asked umm nothing , im so hungry . i said do you want me to bring you home something ? (he’s on this diet too ) ummmm No ( he’s got so much willpower ) im to the point that im getting sick and im 2 tired to wash all them dish’s when i get home and cook . IM EATING SOMETHING ! taco bell i thought that couldnt be that bad , or ill just get a burger and order no bun , umm thats lame , i dont wanna tell some anarexic bleach blonde 17 year old that i cant eat the bun .  what to do eh ? im clueless and i dont know !

the next thing im doing is tellin the chick at the KFC drive thru that i want mashed potatoes and baked beans with my meal . oh and a family size tater wedges .

WHAT ? KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN YOU SAY ?

Yup !

i give my son his sandwich and i got this 15 pound bag-o-chicken in the floor next to me . IM STILL STARVIN ! i dig out the potatoe wedges and take 2 and then 2 leads to 4 . i put the box back in the bag cause i know that ill eat them all , and they didnt even taste good .

i get home put the KFC on the kitchen table not even telling my husband i had got it . im still hungry , the bag sits there for about 30 minutes , he still hasnt gone in the kitchen .

well ill just throw it in the trash im thinkin to myself , well thats 30 bucks wasted !

im lookin arround at all the dirty dish’s thinkin about how long my day has been and how tired i am . i ask him if he’s hungry and confess the chicken bucket is on the table . (his favorite ) i make him a plate (i feel like such a bad wife and diet buddy at this point , i mean how hard would it  have been to wash dish’s and cook right ? )

i take him his plate and he just looks at it for a few minutes b4 he starts to eat it . he has company so i offer dinner to them .  so lets keep track here , to start i had 10 peices of chicken and 2 sandwiches for the boys , okay i put 2 on his plate . (b4 he would of ate 10-12 by hisself ) another buddy of his came in and he got a peice , umm so were down to 7 peices of chicken , this other guy keeps tellin me that he dont want any maybe ill take a peice when i go .  the whole time im thinkin if there is chicken leftover my husband will eat it and its already my fault his eatin it in the first place.  ( i still aint ate )

back to the kitchen , im standing there with my plate empty . oh i dont even like kfc , i think , F’ it ill just go to bed , sleep it off . or grab me another shake . wait ! i cant go to bed the kids with be up for a few more hours . and then IT happened ! my spoon leaves the mashed potatoes and drop a lump on my plate ( dont stop there fatgirl my mind wondered ) If your gonna do it . you might as well do it to it ! well here is my plate , mashed taters , gravy , baked beans , a chicken thigh … i ate it all but the chicken . i did eat the skin tho ( the main part im not suppost to have )

it didnt even taste good , and i felt worse ! im beatin myself up bad ! 2 weeks i thought 100 bucks worth of atkins shakes , all the time i didnt cheat , GONE , DOWN THE DRAIN ! its your own fault !  you did this and you’ll always do this ! you’ll never win ! you cant overcome this! your fat your a failure ! everyone hates you !  im not worth anyone to love me . I SAID IT ALL !

i had a good evening with my husband after the company left ( oh the company ate all the chicken THANK GOD ! ) i tryed not to think about what i ate , i made a few excuss’s for it like i was so hungry i was gettin sick and it was only one time . things like that and tryed to forget about it , by bedtime i had gotten over it .

this morning (weigh in day ) my husband must of weighted hisself b4 i got up , cause he says to me , you know i wouldnt of ate the chicken if so and so wasnt here !  (u know the big strong man cant turn down chicken in front of his buddy’s and confess a diet , them and there ego , im the complete oppisite , im like im on a diet , i treadmill , tell people all the good stuff ! but it dont embarrass me to tell people im trying to lose weight , hell they can look at me and know i need 2 ) he said i dont  care what you bring in here im not gonna eat it again ! im gonna stick to this ! i just sit quiet ,i didnt know what to say ! im sorry , i whispered . then the tears fell , you see not only did i mess things up for me , i messed them up for him too ! now that he’s gone i’ve had time to think about it all over again , after i had forgotten about it and tryed to tell myself , IT MAY OF GOT ME DOWN , BUT IT AINT GONNA KEEP ME DOWN ! i gotta deal with it all over again ! so i started writing this blog to try and vent a little , and now once again , IM OVER IT !

i still dont know what he weighs but i was 199 day b4 yesterday and this morning im 203 .  WAS IT WORTH IT  ? hmm yes and no ! NO the FOOD wasnt worth it ! but Yes learning from my own mistakes was totally worth it ! not only am i acountable for my own actions but my actions effect others .

and you know , just knowing that i went from 206 to 199 lets me know that i can lose weight maybe not fast, maybe not as well as others but i can lose weight ! and i can do it if i just stick with it ! i dont have any problems as long as the food i need to there . and thats hard 2 . we’ve spent $460.00 in groceries in the last 2 weeks and i feel like we aint got nothing to eat , my husband done said we’ll have to go to the store tomorrow . and its hard to buy diet stuff for us and regular stuff for the kids , it really adds up to alot of money and we cant afford it . but again ( as u know im a self talker lol ) i tell myself we’ll spend 30 bucks at drive thru’s and we did several times a week ,. and now that we dont do that ( well besides yesterday ) ill have extra money from that . plus ill say i dont care if we spent 1,000 on food as long as we are feeling good and getting heathly , and setting a good example for our kids ! you cant put a price on that ! so im trying to stay at home alot inorder to save money on other things .

ok ok ok it was bad , but today is a new day ! i cant let yesterday keep me upset or make me quit and go on a all out eating binge !

SO IM GETTING OFF OF HERE ( well after i read bretts new blog ) IM GONNA GET MY ARSE MOVING AND START ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL DAY ! IM NOT GONNA QUIT ! I MY FALL BUT I DONT HAVE TO STAY THERE !

SMILE AND BE HAPPY !

you know it really amazes me that i have fell so low 2 times already and aint quit !

you will see a after picture of me at a healthy weight ! I PROMISE YOU THAT ! I CAN AND WILL DEFEAT FOOD !

i know its alot of rambling on and i dont expect anyone to take the time to read it all , but its helped me to blog and get it off my mind . i can amitt this and be acountable to it and learn from my own mistakes. i wrote this for myself .

thanks so much for your help !

well my husband is doing this low carb thing with me , and i told him that we was close to our weigh in day and this morning he wakes me up as he is leaving , and tells me his weight , so i can write it down . and i told him our weight in day wasnt intill tomorrow . he has lost 5.4 lbs so far AWESOME ! im so proud of him ! he said jump up there , (i guess i woke up in a sad mood ) i said no i probably aint lost nothing . ( becuase ive done it b4 )but you have worked so hard honey , he said . you do more than me , if i lost weight i know you have . well on the scale i go . i stare it down , as all O’s swin arcoss its cold panel , i wonder where it will stop . i look away knowing what is soon to come ! it must of stopped calculating my body , cause my husband just let out a big HMMMM . i looked at him , he looked so sad . i looked down at the white square that has defined me my whole life . SEE i said as i walked out of the bathroom slamming the door . as i went down the hallway i yelled ” and you wonder why bitch’s like me want surgery ” …. went thru the house like nothing had happen , getting my youngest dressed to go hunting with dad ( i cant go anymore on weekdays ) i guess it just hit me . i fell into tears ! he said you crying over this diet thing ? honey it will just take you longer than me thats all . you can do it .

yeah thats easy for you to say . you can lose 50 pounds like nothing and im 2 months of hard work and dedication losing 10 pounds .  i looked at the baby and said ” come on bub we’ll have us some cereal ! ” ( cereal is my weakness i luv it but i cant have it ) my husband looked at me and said you eat your cereal im not quiting . i gotta do this he said . i said yeah me too BUT HOW ? why cant i lose it WTF AM I DOING WRONG ? why dont nothing work for me ? no matter what i do or how hard i try i’ll always be the fat girl ! oh wait i can lose my titties ( sorry if this offends you ) From a DD they can shrink with a 5 pound weight loss , and have lose skin BUT MY ASS IS STILL BIG ! how is that fair ? huh huh ? WHY CANT I JUST BE NORMAL ?

he held me for about 10 minutes b4 he had to leave ,  i cryed some more , done the usual self talk of you cant do it . you might as well eat the cereal . Fuck it ! why bother , you’ll just fail again and feel worse than b4 . hey thats it , i’ll just give up BuddySlim and find me a fat acceptance group since im always gonna be fat anyways ! maybe with their help i can learn to love myself the way i am and accept my fat and move on .

STOP ! HOLD UP ! WTF ! i began to remember some of the things i have told other people on this site . bitch take your own advise ! (ok the bitch thing , im orig. from indiana and its common to refer to yourself as a bitch .) i told someone else that hasnt lost weight to take measurement because even if the scale dont move i bet she lost inches ! and maybe weigh in bi-weekly instead of once a week ……. how can i tell people to hang in there dont give up , when im so easy to quit ? how can i honestly say ” you can do it ” when in the back of my head i think im a failure ? SNAP OUT OF IT

so what the scale didnt move ! i ate what i was suppost 2 , i done slim in 6 for 30 minutes 2 times this week , i treadmilled for a hour a day . and stayed busy …… the old fat girl wouldnt of done NO exercise ! even if the scale dont move it WILL make me healthier and i’ll feel better !  i may be fat but i am FAT-TABULOUS !!!! get the fuck up and stop your damn crying ………….. see your doing the same ol thing ………………..lose your motivation when something goes wrong .

FUCK THAT I CAN DO THIS ! I WILL DO THIS ! HELL I AM DOING THIS ! i got up and “shook it off ” now get your ass in gear girl !  i went to the bathroom scale once again . i looked at it . I HATE YOU I SAID , YOU DONT DETERMIN WHO I AM ! I AM A GOOD PERSON AND I DONT CARE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ME ! i opened my backdoor , picked up my scale and tossed it like a trisby right out into the yard ! SMILE BEAUTIFUL i told myself .

i didnt eat the cereal ! i didnt quit cause here i am . i didnt give up , cause ive told so many of you not to . and i feel good  . you see for me , for so many years , that right there would of been my breaking point …. the point where i’de give up . and look at me now 30 minutes later i feel good . im fine . im ready to push myself even harder .

THATS WHY I KNOW THIS WILL HAPPEN FOR ME THIS TIME !

BECAUSE OF YOU I CANT QUIT

im so very thankful to have this site and be accountable to it !

SMILE IT’S A BEAUTIFUL DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

after i get the oldest off to school and breakfast done , im going to take some before pictures ! this one i have on here is old and i dont like it . you cant really see my whole body ., im always trying to hide behind someone .

i hope everyone has a good day and thanks for listening to me whine and cry . with my love ……..Khrys………….

yeah even tho its a life change this time for me , for some reason im still calling it a diet , i feel better today than i did yesterday , so i assume EVERYONE watched the biggest loser last night , RIGHT ? wow can you imagine how much courage it takes to auctually be there  , to stand infront of america with a sports bra on , or shorts . letting everyone know what your weight is , letting them see your fat rolls that you have tryed to hide for so long . i dont think i could do it ! they are all winners for being there , and taking that step .   so anyways , im on atkins diet at the moment , ever since the low carb craze , i cant seem to remember what i ate on all the years of low calorie diets . my plan is to stick to the induction for 2 weeks then just add veggies and see how it goes from there . its the only eating plan that seems to works for me like i want . if anyone has any low carb meals they wanna share with me , i’de love that . i feel so motivated today , and it feels good . im so glad that im being accountable to this site and my weight ticker lol , i know i can make it slide down toward my goal ! my husband done atkins with me once and he showed great results . In just 2 months he lost 52 pounds without even exercising , while i just lost 14 and worked my butt off ! sometimes i’ll think see he even ate more than me and look what he lost . BUT i try to keep telling myself that everything dont work the same for everyone , everyones body takes different steps , and even tho he can lose 50 lbs in a blink of a eye and i cant ITS NO REASON TO FEEL DOWN OR GIVE UP ! men probably do have the advantage in this diet thing , but i still gotta be thankful that i have the chance to do this . even if its a slow process . its still a process and way better than not trying at all ! im glad to be here , and glad i have the chance for us to do this together ! ! ! Day number two is a Beautiful Day !!!

This is the very first site i have ever put my picture on , i would NEVER put my real picture on any site , it was always a sketch or cartoon picture . now omg i finally came to terms with the fact that that is me , weather i like it or not , it’s me and i need to accept myself the way i am ! this picture is about 3 years old but i really dont ever take pictures . i consider it a bad pic of me , or maybe it aint a bad one ,  i dont know , i just know that i feel like i look better than that , we probably all do ! thats one of my goals for the new year is to take more pictures ! im just so shocked that i posted it , thats so unlike me to post my pic online . out of all the sites i have joined this is the first real photo of me posted ! maybe it will inspire me to lose weight , seeing me the way everyone else see’s me .

i started my first diet at age 10 , and now im 30 years old . i’ll be 31 this month and wow thats 21 years of dieting and never reaching my goal , i feel like its time wasted sometimes , but right now im looking at it not like time wasted but a learning experience , so im hoping that over the years i have learnt what it takes to finally do this ! so today im starting new , not a diet , but a change in life no only what i eat but what i think and do as well . if i do it the same ol ‘ way im sure to fail , like i have so many times and i dont want that . i can do this ! if i slip up or miss exercising im just gonna get right back on track instead of crying over being a failure . the new season of The Biggest Loser starts tonight so i hope that will help me stay motivated and in line !